Shipshape

Nelson:  “Order the signal,  Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye,  sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to  Flags. What’s the meaning of  this?”

Hardy: “Sorry  sir?”

Nelson (reading  aloud): ” ‘ England expects every person to do his or  her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion  or disability. ‘   – What gobbledygook is  this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re  an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting  ‘  England ‘ past the censors, lest it be  considered  racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and  tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now  been designated smoke-free working  environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before  battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished,  Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge  drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d  better get on with it ………….. full speed  ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot  speed limit in this stretch of  water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of  the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance  with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest  please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible,  sir.”

Nelson:  “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s  nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations.  They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be  erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without  delay,  Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access  to the foredeck  Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard  anything so  absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and Safety again, sir. We have to  provide a barrier-free environment for the  differently-abled.”

Nelson: “Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and  one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the  rank of admiral by playing the disability  card.”

Hardy:  “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal  Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb  deficiency..”

Nelson: “Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray  beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And  they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the  adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out  the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the  enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting  at anyone,  Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is  mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that  they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.  There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like  hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies  and the  Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re  not.”

Nelson: “We’re  not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are  our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we  shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for  compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you  hate the  devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity  coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary  report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy,  who speaks ill of your  King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive  in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It  could save your  life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety.  Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the  lash?”

Hardy: ” As I explained, sir, rum is off the  menu! And there’s a ban on corporal  punishment.”

Nelson: “What about  sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal,  sir.”

Nelson:  “In that  case…………. kiss me,  Hardy.